Sarah wrote in this dilemma:
Brenda – I’m so confused! I love my guy but sometimes I become angry with him, and he disappeared! Is there any way I can get him back?”
I’ve seen this many times before…and it’s a fear of intimacy so before we get close to what we’re really scared of – intimacy – we do something to push him away.
Our feelings become overwhelming. We push them down, ignore them, or otherwise feel there is something wrong with them – and then, as a result of all this sifting through rather than actually feeling – it all comes out like a geyser.
The worst part about it is we feel like a mess when we’re done with the blowup.
On one hand, we feel relieved…on the other hand we feel terror and naseau.
This is because when the episode is over we are acutely aware that their was a person on the receiving end and that feels just horrifying.
We then really get that is was about US – not him – and no one would be able to take that in without going on the defensive – in this case he left.
Ugh. So tough.
I wrote back:
Sarah, you feel that you lost your man because you couldn’t handle your own feelings, acted like a child, threw a tantrum and he bolted because you blew it.
I have a number one rule with all of my clients and it is no beating yourself up allowed!
This goes way beyond forgiveness and it’s non-negotiable.
You see, you have to forgive yourself and let it go. Because, you have to clean up on the inside to stop doing this to yourself over and over and we want this to stop once and for all so we stop the cycle.
I don’t know about you
If you’re like me, you grew up with the message that beating yourself up was somehow going to help you learn or be better.
It’s so common for us women.
Do this instead, say to yourself:
“You know, I lost my confidence.
Yes, I lost my confidence I don’t know why and I don’t care. It’s over and done with. Why did I go on the offensive? Not important. It doesn matter because IT’S NOT THE REASON HE LEFT.
I’m just going to let that seep in.
It’s impossible to so finally mess up with the right man for me.
Because the right man wouldn’t leave.
For any reason.
So, why doesn’t matter.
He has his own reasons.”
You see, Sarah, it’s true. The right man will not leave for something like that. He would be in it for the long haul and would want to let it blow over and get back to peace with you.
This is what I think:
I think on some level you pushed him away because you were scared of intimacy with HIM.
You felt off-kilter…something didn’t feel right and it made you feel insecure.
So, you blew up to get him away from you so you would feel centered again.
I’ve seen it time and time again and I’ve experienced it.
I used to date a bad boy that I was wildly attracted to…but, I never felt safe with him and I used to push him away all the time because of it.
He finally went away and after a little time of missing him then healing I met someone much better!
Someone I would never blow up around because I feel so calm and centered around him!
This is what you want to feel.
So, I want you to imagine you are standing under a waterfall…in a lagoon…the water cascading over you warm with the sun bathin you…
This is a healing, cleansing waterfall.
You have done nothing wrong…and may have even done something very right for you because you want the best for yourself.
You want the best relationship possible.
You want to feel cherished.
Consider all of this and thank yourself for looking out for you.
Keep going because that dream relatonship is there for you and now that the man that disappeared is gone…
There’s room for the right one to show up.