So often when we get triggered into yet another conflict with our man we think having a talk about what is going wrong is going to illuminate the “issues.”
If you read yesterday’s blog post you know why you do this: focusing on the negative.
It may seem to cause a change for the better in the short-term…but I guarantee the “problem” has not been solved, will never be solved in that way and it’s just a ticking time bomb waiting to explode at the next sign of trouble.
Even it it smooths things out for a good stretch of time this type of “problem-solving” will not get you what you really want deep down, it is a band-aid and it emasculates your man.
You Can Turn Around Any Conflict
Deeper than the nasty voice that sees everything in the negative (see yesterday’s blog post) there is a much deeper fear.
It is the fear of intimacy.
Yes, when you look at it objectively it becomes so clear because WHY would you supposedly want a relationship with a man yet continually be in conflicts with him?
It makes no sense.
So, what is the answer?
Be in such a way that fosters intimacy and connection!
Why don’t we do this? Again it is the fear that we don’t deserve that which we say we want.
It’s a fear that we will be seen, nakedly…all our insecurities and ugly parts and won’t be loved.
This could not be further from the truth.
The truth is, unless you can show that you have these parts and you are OK with them he will never feel safe with you…because he has them and probably feels worse about it than you do.
Since, neither of you want to feel worse this is your first clue: you simply want to feel good.
With this in mind you can begin to shift your vibe and onto the next step.
Don’t Be His Therapist – Be His Confidant
So, what to do?
When a conflict arises have a mantra: open and curious.
Imagine you are the Greek goddess Athena. Athena was the Goddess of Skill and Craftsmanship. Because of her focus on mastering her crafts she became very wise.
She became so wise, the story goes, that when in the courts the Judge reached an impass due to a stalemate in the evidence Athena would be called into cast the final judgment.
In her wisdom, a stalemate meant no one loses and the trial would be over.
What this means for you is, as Athena did, you cast no judgment.
No one has transgressed more than the other and both you and your man (or anyone) are freed from the conflict.
Then openness and curiosity give way to empathy and compassion.
Be His Light
Your man (or anyone) is always giving clues as to what they are going through during a conflict.
This is not just about you.
Now that you have a higher vantage point invoking the wisdom of Athena you can calmly state what you see an issue as while taking his point of view in and stating that also!
The moment you do that you break the stalemate.
No judgment, no blame just gentle observation with his side also taken into consideration.
This is what a man craves.
In the darkness and coldness of his every day life he comes to you for light.
It is especially difficult for him to have a conflict with you since his desire is for you and the relationship to be an oasis.
So, all you have to do is listen to him for clues to what his struggle is, empathize, reflect back with compassion and once he feels heard he will feel that you *get* him and the “problem” begins to disappear into thin air!
He will then want to please you because he will want more of the juicy stuff you are bringing in these moments of supposed conflict.
Once you master this you will have no reason to doubt yourself because you know what to do now.
Be his light in the darkness and he will never want to let you go.