I got this letter from a woman feeling confused about whether a “boring” guy was a red flag that he isn’t for her.
Dear Brenda: I met a nice guy online who started pursuing me and conversing with me.
He’s successful and talented in many other ways as well. The problem is that I feel no spark and he seems…well, boring to me despite these obvious good qualities.
I recently broke up with someone that took me on a rollercoaster ride and I really do feel over, disappointed and bored with the hot and cold behavior.
The guy I broke up with is not good for me in the long run and I found out he does hard drugs sometimes so that is definitely a deal breaker.
He would try and come visit me after procuring drugs even after I asked him not to.
But, I miss the passion and intensity we had between us.
I feel really confused.
Is something wrong with me?
And, how do I tell if this new guy is right or wrong for me.
Thanks for your help,
So, my answer is:
First of all, kudos to you for having boundaries and standards that guided you out of an unhealthy relationship.
It sounds like he may have had a substance abuse problem, even if he was functional.
The problem with that is that it is self-medicating which means that his true self was being damped down and causing the rollercoaster dynamic.
That passion and chemistry you used to feel with the rollercoaster man turns into a kind of addiction itself, giving highs then crashing down to lows where you crave the highs again…
That never feels good and only gets worse should you accept it.
…and it has affected the way you are perceiving a mentally and emotionally healthy man.
You are strong on the inside so the advice I’m going to give you will be easy to follow.
The good news is that with some patience, you can work through this with some inner work and using a tool for this.
I want you to practice with this new man.
This takes all the pressure off of you..you are not trying to do anything.
He may end up turning out to be a dreamboat, or not, but I want you to forget about that right now and practice relating to him.
Then, I want you to practice relating to more men online…there is an unlimited supply there so this should keep you quite busy!
The tool is the Goddess Blessing tool…being warm and open with every man…imagine yourself as a Goddess who bestows blessings to every man you encounter…
…and not just every man
Every person you encounter!
This is your true and inner self.
I know this for a fact you are closer than you realize because you have obvious deep love for yourself and your true desires, walking away from the rollercoaster man and writing to me!
Getting back to your nice man, all you have to do is practice with him and give him at least 3 dates so see if you start feeling any attraction for him.
While you are with him, note his good qualities…and focus on how your body feels.
A good sign is that you feel calm, relaxed and able to be yourself.
And, most of all, enjoy yourself!
Enjoy your environment and express gratitude.
That’s all you have to do!
If after 3 dates you don’t feel anything then gracefully move on.
You will have many more prospects because of the men you are practicing with online.
Keep doing this, keep your heart open and most of all, have fun!
P.S. Dear reader, if you are in a situation with a man that is hot and cold and taking you on a rollercoaster ride…
I can help.
If you crave those highs and passion yet he often leaves you feeling cold and alone…you may have spent nights crying over him…until he shows up again and the cycle starts all over – there is a solution for your unique situation.
Just send me a message in the form below and I’ll write you back with some specific advice.